WHY WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL PITCHES.......

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.

8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.

18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.

20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.

21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.

22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.

23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.