Top Tips

FOIL pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

CONFUSE shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.

SMELL GAS? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

SAVE time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

ALWAYS keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

SMASH the entire contents of your home with a sledgehammer before going away on holiday. Then any would-be burglars who break in will get a taste of their own medicine.

WHEN buying fruit by the pound, buy grapes instead of apples. Apples are much heavier.

CIGARETTES are a much cheaper and more widely available alternative to nicotine patches.

BEAT bicycle theft by towing a horse box behind your bike. When you stop, simply padlock the cycle securely inside the horse box.

BEAT the credit card companies at their own game. Run up a massive bill on your credit cards and then kill yourself before your statement arrives, thus avoiding repayment.

TO delay paying your electric bill simply lock the electric-board man in the cupboard under the stairs whilst he reads the meter. This will not work if you have a coin meter.

STOP losing your keys, by chaining them to a large object: such as a chair. Then if you get tired of carrying your keys you can always sit down for a rest.

BY putting a camera with a time-lapsed shutter (set to trigger in 10 seconds or so) into a refrigerator, one can later develop the film in order to find out if the refrigerator's internal light switches off when the door is closed.

INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

HIGH blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

DOG owners. Give passers by the impression that your dog is well trained by ordering it to do whatever it happens to be doing already.

CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.

WHEN out drinking take a picture of your mum and dad in your wallet. It makes a handy 'drunk-o-meter' to gauge when you've had too much. When you start to fancy your mum, stop chatting up the girls. Don't even look at them. If you start to fancy your dad, leave the pub and catch the first bus home. (This is not advisable if you live with your parents).

MUMS, a strip of banana peel tacked to the bottom of children's shoes allows them to be towed effortlessly around supermarkets.

CONVERT black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries, sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits.

STOP birds nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs and moss in your neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed.

STOP squirrels and birds taking food from your bird table by placing the food inside a biscuit tin, and securing the lid with heavy duty tape.

PREVENT bees and butterflies stealing your pollen by enclosing each flower head in a plastic bag securely fastened around the stem with a clothes pin.

DISAPPOINT wasps this summer by smearing cold tea on your ears instead of honey.

REVIVE dying moths by placing them on a small droplet of sugary water.

EMPTY cereal packets make ideal holders for old toilet roll tubes and milk bottle tops which one should never throw away as they are most handy, and have a variety of uses.

READERS with old or perished hot water bottles may, after filling, wish to leave the problem bottle in the sink or bath and so reduce the risk of damp bedclothes.

WHEN buying toilet tissue always unwind each roll carefully and number the sheets individually using a Biro or felt-tipped pen.

SAVE several hundred pounds every year on household wear and tear by living in a tent in the garden.

HANG a Corn flakes packet on a piece of string in all the doorways of your house. Bumping into the brightly coloured boxes as you pass through will remind you to close the door behind you.

WEIGH toilet rolls on your kitchen scales and record their weight after each visit to the toilet. On each occasion deduct the new weight from their previous weight. The figure remaining will be the exact weight of toilet tissue which you have used on that particular 'visit'.

STOP nosey neighbours from knowing which room you're in by stealthily crawling around the house on all fours.

MANCHESTER UNITED fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

DYSLEXICS. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

HIJACKERS. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

and finally...
Drop half a dozen tea bags in your hot water tank, and enjoy having tea constantly on tap.